We need help, but I don't even know what kind of help to ask for. Five years ago, I was the 22 year-old August bride of a 23 year old guy that I met in college. We had just graduated with degrees in business (marketing and human resource management), had new jobs in a Pittsburgh-based corporation with a terrific career-ladder, good starting salaries, excellent benefits, and what appeared to be lifetime job security. Based on this, we decided to buy a house and have our children right away. My parents loaned us enough for a down payment and we bought a split entry house on two-acres of land near a Penn State exhibition farm about 25 miles from downtown Pittsburgh. Our first child, Bella, was born the day before our first wedding anniversary. Her brother, Liam, was born fifteen months later (NAMES CHANGED TO PROTECT CONFIDENTIALITY). Up until this point, we felt like we were living the dream…
We used a daycare center in Pittsburgh for Bella, but found that it was too difficult (and expensive) to transport both children to the daycare center when my maternity leave for Liam was up. We tried three different nannies during Liam’s first year, but none of them worked out very well for us. Finally, I negotiated a leave of absence from work so that I could stay home and care for the children, knowing that I would be giving up a position I really enjoyed to be hired back into whatever was available when I wanted to return. Our perfect life turned into a nightmare at this point.
Both Bella and Liam are very intense, strong-willed, highly active children who don’t focus their attention on any kind of play activity for more than a few minutes. The house is a continuous mess with toys everywhere. I thought I would enjoy being a stay-at-home-mother, but they don’t listen to me and sometimes don’t even seem to like me very much. I’m alone with the kids for a few days most weeks because my husband's job requires travel. We are barely making ends meet financially, and my parents are upset because we haven’t even started to pay them back for the money they loaned us on the house.
I find myself crying every day. I feel like the marriage and family are starting to fall apart, but my husband just acts as though everything is normal. My parents and his father (his mother died when he was a teen-ager) say that things will get better when the kids get older, but I don’t see this happening. Last night, in desperation, I literally walked out of the house when my husband came home and just disappeared in the woods surrounding the property for about six hours. I fell asleep sitting up under a tree and didn’t even wake-up until after 11 p.m. No one seemed to care. When I finally found my way home, my husband and the kids were asleep and the mess was left for me to clean-up this morning. At breakfast, I got the "deep-freeze" treatment from my husband. When I called my mother, she said that he never even called them and that she didn't know I had walked out. She asked me if I was having PMS and suggested that I talk to my doctor about an antidepressant!!!!
So who needs help here? Am I crazy or hormonal? Is there something wrong with my husband or my kids? I really do love them dearly. Is this the "problem-that-has-no-name" that Betty Friedan wrote about when the feminist movement was relaunched in the mid-1960's? Please help because I'm afraid of what I might do if nothing changes (and I'm the only one who seems to think that things need to change).
Samantha (NAME CHANGED TO PROTECT CONFIDENTIALITY
Samantha,
ReplyDeleteIt sounds as if you are really going through a lot. You have suffered the loss of identity in the workforce, the stress of raising two small children, the absence of your husband, financial issues, and the straining of your relationship with your parents due to conflict over a loan.
I am wondering if you have discussed any of this with your husband. It sounds as if you both just go on with your day-to-day responsibilities without discussing any of these issues, as if they do not exist.
Do not lose hope because I do see some options that you may not have considered.
1. Look into having a family or friend watch the children. This would allow you to return to work and most likely would not cost as much as a daycare to watch the children.
2. Sit down and discuss these issues with your husband. Maybe he does not realize you are feeling unappreciated and stressed. Opening the lines of communication may help you and your husband become closer.
3. If you have spoken with your husband and it did not help or if you do not feel comfortable having the discussion with him, family therapy or marriage counseling might help. It could help with communication and allow each of you to see things from the other’s perspective without feeling attacked or ignored.
4. I do not feel comfortable making a diagnosis without completing an assessment, but I would advise you to speak with your doctor because you may be experiencing post-partum depression.
5. Make time for you. Go have dinner with your girlfriends, ask your husband to keep an eye on the children and soak in a nice hot bubble bath, buy a yoga DVD for when the children are napping. Self-care is very important and it sounds like that is not happening.
6. It sounds as if the children are very active. It may be a good idea to speak with the children’s pediatrician regarding a referral to have them evaluated for a hyperactivity disorder. If an assessment results in a diagnosis, remember that medication is not the only option. You can do exercises with the children or make changes to their diet, for example, which could result in changes to their behavior. Then again, they may just be typical toddlers.
Whatever you do, do not give up. It must be very challenging to have all of the responsibilities you have, especially at such a young age, but there are options available to you and your family. Good luck and I will be sending positive thoughts your way.