Wednesday, October 21, 2015
What has happened to my wife?
I’m writing this post on behalf of my wife Brandy; I don’t know how to help her…..Brandy and I have been married for 10 years. We met when we were both enlisted in the army. After several years of working as a mechanic, I left the army when my contract expired, but Brandy has remained enlisted. We live on a local army base. We have 2 children…Sarah and Todd. Sarah is 6 and Todd is 3. Recently I’ve been noticing that Brandy seems less attentive, both to the kids and me. Brandy just returned from a 6 month tour from an area where there is still some minor combat occurring. She arrived back on base roughly 2 weeks ago. She’s been reluctant to discuss any details of the trip with me, instead changing the subject or asking about the kids when I bring it up.
I first noticed that something was amiss at night. About 10 days ago I woke up at night to find Brandy writing and moaning in the sheets. She was quite pale and sweaty, and looked at me with wild eyes when I woke her up; she seemed to hardly recognize me for several seconds. This is becoming somewhat common now, as she seems to have nightmares and/or disruptive dreams almost every night. I’m a light sleeper so this frequently wakes me up. Things had been relatively normal during the day until this past week. On Saturday night we were making dinner. Brandy was chopping celery for a salad and I was boiling pasta. I heard the rhythmic sound of the vegetable chopping stop while I had my back turned and was putting pasta into the pan. I turned around to ask Brandy if she was done with the celery and saw that she was still holding the knife and the celery, but was staring straight ahead at the kitchen wall; she had her back to me. I watched her for about 30 seconds, during which time she didn’t move at all. This struck me as especially odd. I finally called out to her, and when I called her name a second time she suddenly flinched and turned around, like I’d surprised her. She looked completely disoriented, and I remember noticing that she had a tear running from her left eye. I asked her what was wrong and she ignored me and went back to chopping the celery.
Over these past several days she has become increasingly distant. Sarah told me the other day that she forgot to make them breakfast after I left for work. I asked her about this when I got home and she snapped at me telling me that she wasn’t “their servant” and then stomping out of the room. I was completely shocked. When I get home from work now and try and give her a kiss, she often turns her head, and it seems like she avoids eye contact with me. Her dreams at night are getting worse than ever. It seems like my beautiful sweet wife has undergone a sudden personality change. I don’t know what could be happening to her. She refuses to talk to anyone involved with the military or VA about this, and also refuses to talk with our family doctor, saying that she'll get over it and be okay if we just give her some time. She also insists that I not disclose what is going on to anyone in the family or to anyone who might know her. How is a husband supposed to handle something like this?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Hello,
ReplyDeleteI would like to thank you and your wife for serving our country. It seems as though you and your family are facing some difficult challenges. From my understanding, you and Brandy are married, with two children, and though Brandy was previously known for her calm, friendly demeanor, she has become detached and withdrawn since returning home from her last deployment.
She has been distant, having difficulty sleeping, and prefers not to discuss any details of what happened while deployed. This experience can be particularly terrifying and difficult for women with children, as it is difficult to return home from a six month tour from an area where there is still combat occurring on a near daily basis. It is clear that understanding your wife’s experience may help you provide assistance.
Since she seems less attentive to you and the children, do you feel as though a fellow female veteran could encourage her to see a social worker? If she decides to give it a try, this could help her open up emotionally. You reported her dreams are worse at night, with the assistance of a social worker, Brandy may be able to explain the recurring nightmares or disassociations about what happened during deployment.
Additionally, you stated that she was pale and sweaty after having an incident in the middle of the night. You also said she became completely disorientated while chopping celery in the kitchen. Due to these situations, a physical with her primary care physician (PCP) is essential. This will help rule out any medical conditions that may be impacting her well-being. This will also inform her PCP of the experiences she faced while deployed. After a physical with her PCP and with some assistance, Brandy may begin to feel better, report healthier sleeping habits, and better family interactions.
Thank you for having the courage to write this blog. I hope this information is helpful and supportive. By knowing the source of Brandy’s issues, better solutions can be provided. Please do not feel helpless. You are taking steps to help your wife. Although Brandy refuses to talk to anyone involved with the military or VA about this, the fact that you care and are willing to seek assistance will allow your wife to get the help she needs at this time. Helping your wife through her experience, so that she can learn how to cope with what has happened and put her life back together again to move forward is important. During this process, your support is critical to your wife’s overall well-being.
Sincerely, Louise
P.S. Even though Brandy refuses to speak to anyone at this moment, it is important to acknowledge that the VA has services and programs dedicated to women, including the Women Veterans Health Program and the Center for Women Veterans. These are excellent resources for working with women veterans, especially those who have been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). According to the DSM-5 (2015), PTSD is defined as the exposure to actual or threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violation. Some symptoms of PTSD are nightmares and flashbacks. As you stated previously, these are also symptoms Brandy is experiencing. Therefore, this may be useful to you and your wife as these are supportive resources for effectively coping with traumatic experiences (VA, 2015). For more information about the resources, services, and support available in your community, the VA has a wonderful website that explains these in detail at www.va.gov. I wish you all the luck as you move forward and hope that my response provides helpful information.
Hello Sir,
ReplyDeleteLet me start by saying I’m sorry to hear of what both you and your wife Brandy are going through. This must be difficult for you, especially because you are unsure as to what you should do. It sounds to me as though you are experiencing feelings of hopelessness. What I hear you saying is that since your wife Brandy has returned from her last leave, she has not been the same. It sounds to me that you are concerned because you have noticed not only a change in her demeanor but she has also become distant with both you and your children. I am also sorry to hear that Brandy is unwilling to accept help. It sounds as though this is making life stressful for you. It must be difficult not knowing what to expect from Brandy.
You mentioned that Brandy just returned from a leave that involved combat. I also see that you said she is having disrupting dreams and nightmares, an irritable mood, loss of interest and avoidance, possible flash backs, and isolating. In my opinion, Brandy would benefit greatly from an assessment. She may not want to seek help but there are some things that you can do to help encourage Brandy. When one person changes in a family, the entire system will change. This means if you receive help, you can help everyone in the family, even your wife.
You should receive help and support because you should not be facing this by yourself and there are resources that can help you understand what is going on with Brandy better. Her symptoms are closely related to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Many military spouses understand what you are experiencing. It’s not easy watching so many negative changes in your wife. But with the help of education and a support group, I think things can get better for you and your family.
Here is a link to a website that has educational videos, http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/military-family-resources.html. Another resource I would like to suggest is called Military OneSource. It provides information and resources to help deal with the unique challenges of military life. Contact them 24/7 at (800)-342-9647. They will also connect you to a professional therapist in your community and the services are free. Military OneSource will help you with: short-term issues, face-to-face counseling, telephonic counseling, online counseling, financial counseling and health and wellness coaching. Here is the link, http://www.militaryonesource.mil/.
I hope that I was able to assist you. Like I mentioned before, encouraging your wife to at the very least obtain an assessment would be greatly beneficial. I hope that these resources will enable you to better understand what is going on with Brandy. I wish you and your family the best of luck in your journey of healing.
GreenHeart
Good Day to you, Vet Mechanic,
ReplyDeleteAfter reviewing your post I was able to identify some of the issues that you are experiencing and some possible solutions to your issues. The troubled behaviors that I was able to identify from your posting about your wife are she is; less attentive, not willing to talk about deployment, trouble staying asleep, zoning and out, distant, and some role diffusion. One thing I would congratulate you for doing is keeping a log of her behavior, if she decides to go to treatment this could be a useful thing for a practitioner to have, when trying to devise a treatment plan or objectives for treatment. These reported symptoms could also aid in diagnosing your wife.
There are two ways to go about handling these issues informally or formally I would try to use the informal first. This would involve just suggesting that she speak to someone off post, continue to be supportive and encourage your wife to seek outside assistance off post with therapists that are willing to accept your insurance. If you live near a major military installation there may be specialist in your area that will be willing and able to help with treatment. One source that I would suggest using would be to militaryonesource.mil and find out if you are eligible for services and then have your wife assessed by a professional in your area. This could cut back on stigma while she is still fulfilling her contract. Another way to help is to have your family get involved, not by telling them something is wrong but making she is ok and continuing to encourage her to talk about it with a professional. War is hell and seeing and being in the close proximity of violence can leave long lasting hidden scars.
Or there is the formal way. This would involve first speaking to squad members that you know and find out what happened. Then speak with her squad leader, first Sargent, or company commander. This may make her upset by your intrusive actions, however this is for your family’s safety. Other issues may arise from this, again it is for your family’s safety. Your wife’s unit may be aware of what she went through and have a better grasp of what occurred and hopefully they will refer her to a specialist on post that will be able to help.
Another thing is to encourage her to have this issue documented while she is still enlisted, once she is out she can have her service disability increased if she is diagnosed while in and help with vital services if she decides to not re-up. This is very important she may not like it and not want the added pressure of being under the microscope if you do start asking her unit about what happened and why no one is pressuring her to be seen. Keep in mind the earlier the intervention the better and sooner the healing process can begin.
In summary here are some things that you should do:
• Research about post deployment help
• Help her get into treatment
• Read up on her diagnosis to help make the home more comforting and less of a trigger. Also it helps knowing what to expect and ways to help alleviate stress and ways to help.
• Talk to her and encourage treatment
• Talk with informal supports
• Talk with chain of command
• Have any diagnosis documented in her medical records for VA later after discharge from military so that supports can be provided.
• Educate yourself and work with treatment team to develop a plan.
• Continue to support an encourage her.
Here are some links to some resources that may be of help understanding some of the issues you described your wife was currently experiencing
Trouble sleeping fact sheet
https://maketheconnection.net/symptoms/trouble-sleeping
http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/problems/sleep-and-ptsd.asp
Post deployment information
http://veteransfamiliesunited.org/ many resources are also available here
If you find yourself in a crisis and unsure where to turn contact the veteran’s crisis line- 1.800.273.8255
Military One Source
800-342-9647 or militaryonesorce.mil
Hello, and thank you for writing for help and support to this blog. It takes a lot of strength to reach out for help, especially for someone you love. First of all, your wife’s symptoms and behaviors are consistent with many veterans who return from combat. Many veterans experience what is called Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) from their experiences in combat and warzones (Tsai, Harpaz-Rotem, Southwick, & Pietrzak, 2012). PTSD is characterized by a cluster of symptoms involving re-experiencing the trauma, avoidance of reminders of the trauma, emotional numbing, and hyperarousal (Tsai, et al., 2012). These symptoms can help explain some of your wife’s recent reactions, behaviors, and attitudes. After deployment, as you may know, veterans have to assimilate back into civilian life and reconnect with their families. This alone can be a stressor. In both the general population and with Vietnam veterans, PTSD has been found to be associated with marital and family instability (Tsai, et al., 2012). Although your wife does not want to reach out or disclose her situation and behavior to others, it has been found that external support and resources provided by others, such as family and Veterans services (VA), may be able to buffer some of the negative effects of PTSD on social functioning (Tsai, et al., 2012). Coping and resilience also play an important role in functioning socially for those that suffer from PTSD symptoms. In a study done by Tsai, et al. (2012), poorer social functioning reported by PTSD patients may be attributed to less social support from the community, worrying more about unpleasant or unwanted thoughts, and less acceptance of change and availability of secure relationships. Also found, avoidance behaviors associated with PTSD can hinder intimacy, which may explain your wife’s distance (Tsai, et al., 2012). Cognitive behavioral therapy is a widely accepted psychological treatment for PTSD, which emphasizes building personal resources to change thoughts and beliefs surrounding the trauma (Resick, Nishith, Weaver, Astin, & Feuer, 2002). It may be hard for your wife to reach out because she simply does not know what is happening to her. Education about a condition or behavior can greatly help individuals come to terms with the fact that there is a problem in their lives. I encourage your continued support of your wife in these times of trouble, and hope this information can give you a starting point of knowledge of what to do in your situation. Attached is a reference of an article from 2012 that may be helpful in understanding your wife’s behavior.
ReplyDeleteMichelle Smith
To Whom It May Concern,
ReplyDeleteI am writing in response to your concern for Brandy. I understand that not understanding what is happening with your wife can be very scary for you, especially when you have two small children at home to worry about as well. From the behaviors that you are describing for Brandy, it seems to me that she may have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). A person with PTSD often exhibits several of the behaviors that you discussed such as hyper vigilance and having nightmares, but they can also have symptoms that include stomach problems, problems associated with memory, and depression (Veterans Families United Foundation, 2015). In order to have this formally diagnosed, Brandy would have to be willing to participate in a psychological evaluation. I understand that she is not willing to discuss these issues with anyone at the VA or her doctor, but maybe she would be willing to see a psychologist that she does not know. A second option for Brandy might also be to consider the many different self-help opportunities that are available. The US Department of Veterans Affairs offers several different self-help options for people who are exhibiting symptoms of PTSD. These options include a PTSD: Mobile Coaching App that can easily be downloaded on any iPhone or Android, a large list of lifestyle change recommendations that others have found beneficial, and a list of confidential peer support groups (US Department of Veterans Affairs, 2015). I hope that you find the information provided above helpful and wish you the best of luck in coping with these life changing stressors.
BLAKE, THOMAS