Age four is a critical year for young children because it is a year when most children try to discover just how much power and control they have over the people in their environment. This means that many four-year old children try to control their parents, their siblings, their peers, and others they want things from. Even those who appear to be somewhat shy or cautious experiment with relationships to see if they can control or exert power over significant others. The shy or cautious four-year old is more likely to do this through passive, non-compliant behaviors.

In managing these types of four-year old behaviors, it is critically important that the parent or other target of control responds in a way that does not provide the child with any kind of positive reinforcement for controlling behaviors that are aggressive, destructive, or maladaptive (promoting poor adaptation). We can acknowledge the child's desire to have control or to have what he or she wants, but we should never give either control or the desired item or privilege in response to the aggressive, destructive, or maladaptive pressure that the four-year old exerts. If you need help with a situation involving a child who is trying to control you or others through the use of aggressive, destructive, or maladaptive behaviors, post a comment  below and we will try to respond to you within a few days. To protect the confidentiality of your child and your family, please do not use your real name. 

If you need more immediate help, go to www.deerwoodswcs.com for access to coaching or counseling services.